Instructions for my beloved husband, Tom. He may mean well, but he is still clueless! This blog chronicles my attempts to impart to him some of the more important lessons that lead to living harmoniously with others.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Instruction #89: I am even going to update all of my other blogs to show you how wrong you are.

You think I won't update 1001 Things I Love?

Well, I will.

You could not be any more wrong.

And while I'm at it I will also update:

Big City Mom

Random Handprints

I Love My Brother and Sister

Learning to Hula Hoop

Bear-Trax

Westchester Confidential

Larchmont Mom

Compact Mom

and maybe even

Cheesehaters.

To imagine you even think I won't keep my new blog up.

Where in f&*k's sake do you get a dumb idea like that?

And now if you'll excuse me, I have a (super awesome) new blog to update.

Instruction #88: You are so not getting featured on my (super awesome) new blog.

Seriously.

It's called 1001 Things I LOVE, and not 1001 Ways My Husband is an Ass About My (Super Awesome) New Blog.

Instruction #87: You are sorta a jerk for suggesting my new blog will fail.

Or, to use your exact words:

"I think your new blog will be a failure."

Me, stunned silence. So you clarify:

"Make that an abject failure."

More stunned silence. So you decide to end with:

"I'm sorry. You'll never update it."

Ha, you couldn't be more wrong!

Not only do I have time to update my (super awesome) new blog, I even found the time to update this old favorite!

So, let the unsanitized instructions be resurrected!

Viva la instructiones les toms!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Instruction #86: "iPad" is not just a fancy word for "Alarm Clock"

Your iPad can do some other stuff besides being an alarm clock. Other stuff besides showing today's date. Besides showing the weather.

You are reminding me of when on Seinfeld Jerry's dad would only use The Wizard to calculate tips. If you never follow any of my other instructions, please just follow this one: You don't want to be Morty.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Instruction #85: I know the difference between inequity and iniquity.

YOU IDIOT. I was being funny. Iniquity I said, instead of inequity, because once again you are off playing poker in Atlantic City and I am home watching YOUR kids. This is what makes it funny - that in addition to the obvious inequity of the situation there is also quite a bit of iniquity going on with the illicit gambling and all.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Instruction #84: Some tips for a smoother Vegas trip in 2012.

Here are my tips:

1. Provide pre-trip present to wife.
2. Provide in-trip present to wife.
3. Provide post-trip present to wife.

At all times compliment her on her never ending kindness and patience for watching children while you gallivant and gamble.

Repeat.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Instruction #83: This year is not a good year to take a vacation to Las Vegas.

And I will admit, last year wasn't either. And probably next year won't be either. But these be the facts of your life. We have little kids. And there are three of them. So while there may be entire decades of your life when you can wander off to Vegas and no will will mind (or care for that matter) that is still a few years away.

Last year, you went to Vegas with my dear sweet self EIGHT months pregnant in addition to the two kids under six you left behind for me to take care of all by myself. And then you came back a day later then planned. Good times.

However, this year, I think you might have managed to even top last year by leaving me with the 9 month old baby and the 4 and 6 year olds, but it's hard to say if this is even any worse then the year you left me with an 8 month old and a 2-and-a-half year old. Again, good times. Especially when you tack on an extra day to the end. Or come home tired from "too much Vegas" as you always lovingly put it. Yeah, I'm tired from too much momming!

Good times them all, but I do think you need to take a break from the Vegas jaunts. Maybe for just one measly year, and then the little guy will be 3, and that should be manageable enough for me to handle. But here I am asking you a whole year in advance, take next year off. Tell your beloved desert queen you'll see her in 2012. And maybe then for the first time you can go with my blessing.